Wednesday, May 27, 2015

I'm Tired--Rough Post

 By the lack of blog posts, you may be able to guess that I have been rather busy. 
Well, yes. But... I've been dreading talking recently. I have gone through so much the past three weeks. My house is a disaster. With little ones at your feet, the heat of summer draped on your skin, and the sounds of tears, whine, and anger in your ears, I am about ready to give up and call it off. I have never been more tired in my entire life. 

I've noticed something: People's natural response to the commonly asked question of "How are you?" Is "I'm tired." I hear it everyday. Why is it that everyone is simply 'Tired?'

I don't realize how much it's said until I truly feel the weight of pure tiredness--it's like carrying a backpack full of heavy stones up a cliff, every five steps losing your grip and scraping your knees. It's a pressure that even sleep cannot fulfill. When you're truly tired, every morning is like waking up on nails. You can't keep your eyes open during the day, but you can't fall asleep at night. 

It's not just physically tired.. it's emotional drainage. 

This is what I've been feeling. My health crumbles as I try to push it to the side in attempt to carry throughout life. Trudging up the stairs today, about to fall to my knees, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I lifted my head up as if I was searching for the air above the ocean. Help me Jesus. I silently cried. Stress kept eating away at my mind. 

Anxiety has consumed me. Exhaustion has consumed me. I feel as if I cannot walk, cannot breathe, cannot live. 

Everyday I'm reminded of so much: my chronic physical pain, chronic anxiety, daily worries, my emotional losses, my physical losses, my chaotic life--but God's grace and mercies and glory. 

I wish I could see it all the time. I wish it was engraved in my soul. But I FORGET. I do. Too often. I lean on myself for hours at a time, when I need to take off the backpack full of stones. I need to hand my burdens to the Lord, because He has already carried the cross for me. 

So why do I carry it for myself? 

Listen close. 
We are enbondaged to our anxiety. 
We glorify and grasp tight to our stress. 

I don't understand why I do this. Wouldn't it be so much easier if I could just take it all off and everything would fade away. 

God lets us carry our burdens, so that when we are willing the hand them to Him, we are all the more thankful, refreshed, and reminded of His strength.

Let that be your hope, as I basically preach to myself. 

Cast your anxieties onto the Lord, and He will SUSTAIN you. 

He will. He will sustain me in my times of trial and weariness. And He will sustain you. 


           ~Sayda <3